Most of us think that the answer to this question is to be kind to ourselves. Of course, this is not entirely wrong. However, defining it as an approach that helps us to be emotionally resilient, to cope with difficult emotions and to build healthy relationships with others, especially with ourselves, allows us to develop a more comprehensive understanding of this concept.
When a friend makes a mistake, we show understanding and compassion. When we make a mistake, it is not as easy to show the same compassion to ourselves. When confronted with our mistakes, we tend to be a little harsher or more critical of ourselves. We form our thoughts in ways that make us feel worthless, ashamed and disappointed.
Let’s look at a possible conversation we might have with our close friend when she has been dumped by her boyfriend:
A: He left me, just as we were about to celebrate five years of our relationship. I feel so helpless and sad. I really loved him, but he said I didn't trust him and that he was tired of spending every moment with me.
B: He had every right to leave you. He left you because you're overbearing and boring. Not to mention the fact that you call him all the time and act like you're addicted to him. If I were you, I wouldn't get my hopes up that anyone will ever like me again.
Would you talk like that to a close friend? Of course not. But you can easily talk like this to yourself by not showing yourself the understanding and compassion you show to your friends. However, if you know how to practice self-compassion, you can communicate with yourself in a caring way, just as if you were talking to your best friend. We usually address our friend like this:
B: Please remember that I am here for you and you can call me anytime. What can I do to help? We will get through this together, it is normal to be sad after a loss. Beautiful days will come again.
In difficult times, it helps us to be understanding towards ourselves and to consider our experiences as part of being human. When we're good at self compassion, we can say encouraging words in the face of difficulties such as "You have the power to achieve this, take action". On the other hand, our stress levels increase when we say things like, "This is too hard for me to achieve." This stress can prevent us from having healthy relationships with ourselves and others.
As mentioned above, self-compassion can sometimes be confused with different terms. Therefore, in order to understand this skill and to apply it in our lives, it is important to know what this concept is not.
Self-compassion is not:
Self-pity means that we feel like victims as a result of our inability to accept the negativity we are in. When we feel too much self-pity, our helplessness increases and we start to judge ourselves for our feelings. Self compassion, on the other hand, shows us that even though we feel victimised by our experiences, it is a very humane feeling. It prevents us from getting lost in this feeling and allows us to evaluate our experiences from a more balanced and objective perspective.
Doing what we want is considered as indulging ourselves. Of course, it is very natural to prioritise our own wishes and needs, but if this situation comes to a point where it disrupts our work and thus makes us lose our balance, we cannot talk about self-compassion. Because this competence involves integrating our own wants and needs into our lives in a balanced way.
Self-respect: Self-respect is defined as valuing and accepting ourselves and respecting our strengths and weaknesses. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is based on tolerance towards ourselves and our mistakes. It replaces feelings of judgement, shame and guilt with kindness and warmth. Although one usually accompanies the other, separating these two concepts allows us to follow their development in our lives more easily.
It is not correct to perceive self-compassion as a weakness. On the contrary, being compassionate to ourselves increases our coping power when we face difficulties such as divorce and chronic pain. This shows that it is a dynamic that gives us strength, not weakness.
Criticising ourselves harshly can damage our motivation, but compassionate criticism can increase our motivation. Because when we criticise ourselves in a compassionate way, we are being constructive. On the other hand, the approaches in which we judge ourselves can negatively affect our self-perception and decrease our performance at work.
Finally, making excuses for our misbehavior is not equal to self-compassion. Making excuses means blaming those around us or feeling anger at external events. Instead of running away from our mistakes, showing compassion to ourselves means accepting our own responsibility.
There are many things that self-compassion brings to our lives. By examining these, we can understand the importance of having this skill.
There are three basic components of self-compassion:
Feeling compassion towards self: This component involves embracing pain or failure in a compassionate way rather than communicating with ourselves in a harsh way. For example, when our life is shaped in a way we do not want as a result of a wrong decision, instead of being judgemental and accusatory towards ourselves, accepting that it was appropriate to make such a decision at that moment and that it was a learning experience helps us. Showing understanding rather than anger towards the part of us that actually made that decision can show that we have compassion for ourselves. Because thinking negatively does not change the outcome, it only causes more pain.
Awareness: This component involves observing uncomfortable feelings without distorting or ignoring them. It does not involve directly solving the problem, but rather facing our pain and mistakes with a willingness to embrace them. In this way, we are able to recognise our shortcomings, our openness to improvement and the parts of ourselves that we can improve. Thus, we are less likely to repeat the same mistakes. In addition, we can recognise the harsh criticism we give ourselves and turn it into compassionate criticism. When we stay in the moment, we can improve ourselves without damaging our well-being and without losing motivation.
A sense of common humanity: This component requires recognising that negative emotions and experiences are not unique to us, but common to all humanity. It is based on the idea that what we experience is normal and human, and therefore we should not judge ourselves for our mistakes. Recognising the commonality of these experiences helps us remember that everyone struggles with certain difficulties.
We have talked about the importance of being compassionate to ourselves, so let’s focus on how we can improve it.
By doing all this, we can increase our self-compassion. In this way, we are more motivated to pursue our dreams. We also increase our well-being through compassionate behaviour when dealing with difficulties. "Discovering Your Self Worth" and "Self Compassion" journeys in the Relate App help us approach ourselves with compassion while answering the question "What is self-compassion?" with various examples!
