The concept of "benching" in the context of relationships has recently emerged in popular culture. Its origins can be traced to modern dating culture, particularly within the realm of online and social media-driven dating.
"Benching" is a term used to describe keeping someone we're involved with in a dating context on the "substitute bench" or the backup position. In other words, it refers to the desire to keep that person as an option while not giving them priority. While engaging in benching, occasional communication or meetings with that person may occur, but they do not lead to a commitment or a serious relationship.
The term "benching" is thought to be derived metaphorically from sports, where substitute players on the bench are available to join the game when needed, even though they are not actively participating at the moment. Similarly, in the realm of dating, someone who is "benched" becomes a backup option for the person of interest.
To understand if you're experiencing "benching," you can look for the following signs:
- Inconsistent Communication: A key indicator of benching is irregular communication and uncertainty about plans with the person you're involved with. This inconsistency may arise from their ambivalence about relationships in general. At times, you might feel as though you are in a trial phase, with periods of interest and communication, while at other times, your connection seems to be on hold. It can be helpful to acknowledge that the person you are interested in might be pursuing other romantic interests.
Uncertainty: Being left unsure about future meetings and their intentions could indicate that you're being benched. The underlying motivation of the person may leave you questioning their genuine interest and the reasons behind their occasional desire to meet you
- Last-Minute Plans: The previously mentioned uncertainty often leads to spontaneous plans. These last-minute arrangements are typically due to a gap in their schedule, as they might dedicate considerable time to keeping potential partners as options while searching for the best fit.
- Casual Sex: Individuals who exhibit benching behavior may prefer casual sexual encounters that lack emotional depth. While this arrangement might be satisfactory for some, it's crucial to recognize that casual, non-emotional sexual interactions may not foster the development of deeper emotional intimacy and commitment in relationships, which is often sought during the early stages of dating.
- Emotional Support: Those who engage in benching may seek emotional support from you during challenging times. While providing support can make you feel valued and needed, it is important to assess whether it is reciprocated and mutual.
- One-Sided Affection: In relationships where you are kept on the back burner, you might feel that your interest, communication, and interactions with the other person are one-sided.
- Fear of Loneliness
Some individuals may use dating and flirting to keep themselves occupied, to cope with the fear of being alone, and to seek validation. People who exhibit benching behavior are more likely to use their partners to avoid being alone and boost their ego and self-esteem. In this context, they are not always honest with themselves or their partners about the true motivations behind their interactions.
- Unrealistic Expectations
People can sometimes have unrealistic expectations from their partners, anticipating perfection, complete understanding from their partners, and flawless fulfillment of their needs. When this mindset is present, even the slightest discomfort or deficiency coming from the partner can lead to losing interest, withdrawing, cutting off communication, or putting the partner on the "bench."
- Dating App Use
According to a 2020 study, social media and dating apps make it easier for a person to engage with multiple partners simultaneously and distribute minimal attention to each of them. Occasional messages, jokes, or posts provide an easy way to keep someone entertained and keep them on the back burner.
- Stress
People who experience high levels of stress in both their work and personal lives and who are not ready for a committed relationship may be more inclined to exhibit benching behavior. Relationships, sexual interactions, and flings can serve as stress relief mechanisms in such circumstances.
- Boredom
Those feeling bored or overwhelmed by dating or committed relationships, struggling to focus on a single relationship can pass their time by keeping potential partners on the back burner.
- Lack of Empathy
When we are not aware of the feelings or experiences of those around us, we can unintentionally engage in behaviors that hurt them. Some individuals who exhibit benching behavior may not realize how hurtful this situation can be for their partners. However, we also know that some act as if they do not understand, engaging in manipulative behaviors.
If you suspect someone is benching you, you can take two fundamental approaches.
- Open Communication
"Hello, I feel like you're keeping me on the back burner, and I kindly ask you to express your honest feelings and thoughts about me and this relationship. What are your expectations from our connection?"
Open communication will not scare away someone genuinely interested in us. On the contrary, by clearly stating our expectations from the relationship and expecting the same from the other person, we reduce the ambiguity in the relationship. We also protect ourselves from being attached to a person with desires that do not align with ours, potentially leading to an unhappy relationship. It also saves us time and effort that we might have otherwise invested in a relationship with an uncertain future. It is essential to be brave to communicate, even if we might not receive the desired response. Otherwise, the other person may interpret our indecisiveness and provide an insincere answer. As mentioned above, when there is random sexual behavior in the relationship, it is crucial to understand our intentions and motivations and share them with the other person to determine whether we are on the same page.
- Setting Boundaries
When we find ourselves on the back burner, it helps to remember our values and stand behind them. To maintain our well-being, we need to express our desires and needs.
If we suspect someone is benching us while we are looking for a serious relationship, we can set a boundary conversation: "At this point in my life, I'm looking for a special and potentially serious relationship. If you're on a similar quest, I'd like to see where our interaction can lead. But if you continue to leave me in uncertainty and invite me last minute, I believe it's best for both of us not to see each other anymore"
The Impact of Benching on Individuals
When we experience benching, we often find ourselves in intense confusion and uncertainty. Feeling like a potential partner one moment and then not like it can be an exhausting experience. This situation can lead to self-doubt, even among those with high self-esteem. Even those with a strong sense of self-worth can question their value when faced with benching behavior. When we internalize the benching behavior we experience, we may end up taking the blame and believing that we are less valuable.
After this experience, trusting people and re-entering the dating world can become challenging. When we lose faith in people, we might believe we will never find a partner worthy of our love, and build a healthy relationship with them.
If you find yourself trying to manage multiple partners simultaneously, you can do two things to stop it: be honest and evaluate your needs.
In situations where we think we might hurt people we are in a relationship with, we sometimes avoid rejecting them. However, this behavior can end up even more hurtful to the other person. To prevent this, it is essential to communicate what you are looking for and your intentions honestly. We might not always be able to avoid hurting the other person as it is natural for two people's desires not to align. However, we can damage trust by manipulating someone we are no longer interested in. When we notice that we are drifting away from our partner, it is important to consider that this person might not be the right partner for us. Instead of keeping someone as a backup to avoid being alone, ending relationships where we do not see a future preserves our time and prevents stringing the other person along.
If you are keeping such relationships around to distract yourself or relieve stress, you can better focus on your personal growth and needs in the long run. Whether you have just come out of a long-term relationship and want to enjoy yourself, explore self-discovery, or engage in casual dating, it is crucial to communicate your desires clearly to the people around you. This way, both you and your partner can have the information needed to make the right decision for yourselves.
Being kept on the bench is not a solid foundation for building a relationship. Often, the other person keeps their options open until they believe they have found someone better. However, if you think you are progressing toward a real connection with your partner, but the signs of benching unsettle your relationship, you have some options to address the situation.
In such situations, it is vital to have open communication with your partner about what you expect, how you will feel if your expectations are not met, and what actions you will take. You can give the relationship another chance by clearly expressing your expectations to your partner and standing by your words. If you want to be a priority, rather than feeling like an option, and if you prefer to see the value you deserve reflected in your partner's actions, you need to communicate these expectations. If your expectations are not met, consider your self-worth and spend time with people who will treat you as you deserve.
